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If you’re emotionally invested, or think you’re in a relationship, it’s code red.Nasty and spiteful – Mean spirited people don’t stop being so in a relationship and may attack your self esteem by latching on to what they think are flaws in you.If you are unsure of what you’re experiencing, it’s code amber, evaluate the situation, throw some icy water over your feelings and plans, 100% eyes and ears open, and try to have a conversation with them about it.But if this is within days or weeks (certainly within the first 3 months), code red.This is an especially dangerous situation for Florence Nightingale’s.Married Or Attached (FOCR) -The moment that you opt into one of these situations, you communicate the wrong things about yourself.Some things are a flat out code red and I have marked it with FOCR.
Even when confronted with code amber behaviour, we don’t process the information, pause, access what it means to us and the relationship that we have in mind or our vision of the other person.Aside from there now been code red and amber situations, what helps to differentiate between the two or even change the status is context: If you have previously been involved with the same or similar, or their behaviour is very similar or the same as a parent or authority figure from your childhood, or you actually have the same issue, you must abort mission. If you have not habitually been involved with someone similar or the same, no family history and whatever the issue is, they state and can show that it’s in the process of being dealt with for at least a few months, it’s a code amber.If for whatever reason, the situation feels familiar to what has been previously unhealthy relationships, it’s code amber, or if in being involved with them you’re acting without love, care, trust, or respect to yourself, or would need to in order to continue, it’s code red.Don’t make the mistake of thinking that they’ll be this way with everyone else but you.This is code red and it also covers narcissists – while they will charm you and disarm you, when they turn, they turn.
Problems with past/childhood – Pasts can be overcome (I have) but if there are issues from their past that impact on their ability to healthily engage, it’s code amber if they’re prepared to go to and stick to therapy, and code red if they’re not prepared to, deny, or play it down, or it’s coupled with other code red and code amber behaviour.